Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just because you're offended, doesn't mean you're right.

   Removing access to contraceptives in order to discourage premarital sex is like removing seatbelts to encourage safer driving habits.

   A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it 1,345,435 times.

   Definition of anxiety: half of the time you're worried about the other half of the time.

   Stealing candy from a baby is actually pretty hard....... They always have adult friends nearby....... and they're loud snitches.......

   When at a meeting when the boss says "anyone have any suggestions?" Don't say "inappropriate touch Tuesday"...trust me

   That rather unflattering moment when she yells, “give it to me now!” when you have been giving it to her to the best of your ability for the past five minutes.

   When a woman says "I forgive you", what she really means is "thanks for giving me something to throw in your face the next time I'm losing an argument..."

   ..pays her bills with a smile. Most creditors,however,would prefer cash..

   thinks that some days it would be nice to build a life size "Whack-a-Mole" game, and choose 9 lucky people to put in it!

   1 day of coal for 364 of fun... I'll take my chances

   Sometimes all I'm really doing with my life is just trying to make it from one weekend to the next.

   Dear person bragging about your awesome vacation.... everyone else wishes you never came back too.

   I find it highly suspicious that the three bears had the dexterity to buy furniture and make porridge in the first place.

   My favorite hobby is to add my neighbors' wireless printer to my PC and print a document that says I'M INSIDE YOUR HOUSE AND COMING FOR YOU.

   Memo to self: Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've Gone Commando a few times in your life.

   Oh, you brought a laptop with you to Starbucks? You must be so very important.

   Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn't good enough on Idol, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.

   Global Bacon shortage better be the first debate question tonight, and I WANT ANSWERS! No lies....

   My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.