Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wonders...Do you think the guy that invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "If you build it, they will come"

   To the people on FB who creep on the reg, yet never post anything and never comment on anything.. I know your out there, and I know your reading this..

   The problem isn't government assistance for people who need it. The problem is government assistance for people just because they can get it.

   Does anyone know how long you can put chicken in the freezer? I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.

   When are Korn and Hole going to tour together?

   Remember Jesus died for our sins, so if you aren't sinning, he died in vain.

   Help control the idiot crisis, get your democrat neutered or spayed.

   On next week's walking dead! Guest star Paul Walker!!!....still too soon?

   Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"

   If a republican is elected president, then America will have officially dispelled the rumor that once you go black, you never go back.

   To catch me, you gotta be fast; to find me, you gotta be smart; but to BE ME!! DAMN! You must be kidding!

   Hmmmm. Egypt's people protested and forced their president to resign...what's everyone doing this weekend?

   I am sick of USA blaming their presidents for everything! Help yourselves people! You elected him to be your leader not as your nanny!!

   "George W. Bush is nicknamed '43' because he was the 43rd President of the United States. Barrack Obama is nicknamed '44' because that is how many people have signed up for Obamacare."

   feels like pile-driving his whiny coworker thru a thick glass table bound with barbed wire into a pool of rubbing alcohol with rusty nails and then set it on fire and drink a beer...

   Lets take a minute of silence for the people of Syria who, without outside help or becoming a burden on any country's economy or taxpayers, are fighting bare hand for their freedom. We are with you in spirit.

   if a comedian is in a wheelchair, is it still stand up comedy? No, but it would still be wheelie funny.

   Dear Santa, us big girls like toys too just put them in the second drawer of my nightstand!

   I feel like people who eat breakfast really have their lives together.

   No, I didn't say I was a taxidermist. I said, I can stuff your beaver.