Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife says "YOU'RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.

   I love watching my girlfriend sleep. How her lips don't move and no words come out.

   Ladies call me Adobe Updater because every time I pop up they're like ugh not now

   the best play of this game so far is when Joe Namath's coin toss was intercepted by the ref

   Sorry I strangled you when I tried to untangle the Christmas lights.

   Someone should tell Disney that a "true love's kiss" has WAAAAY more tongue.

   The Shawshank Redemption but it's just me tunneling underground from the sofa to the mailbox so I don't have to talk to any of my neighbors.

   People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.

   There's a person out there for everyone, but for some women that person is 6 cats....

   OK. So I took the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?

   People who always have an answer for everything and will never say "I don't know", scare the hell out of me

   You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.

   Do people who run marathons not know about cocaine?

   Did you know that if you listen to Billy Ray Cyrus's "Achy Breaky 2" backwards, it's still sh* t ?

   My coworker's inspire me to drink on the job.

   My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.

   Sorry they had your spirit animal neutered.

   Some young men are like bottles of wine. They need to be tended to carefully & given time to mature; which is why I keep a few in my cellar.

   Dear "New FM102", you've been "new" for 4 years now. Stop.

   As a fan of hard sci-fi, I did not enjoy "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"