Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   OK. So I took the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?

   People who always have an answer for everything and will never say "I don't know", scare the hell out of me

   You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.

   Do people who run marathons not know about cocaine?

   Did you know that if you listen to Billy Ray Cyrus's "Achy Breaky 2" backwards, it's still sh* t ?

   My coworker's inspire me to drink on the job.

   My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.

   Sorry they had your spirit animal neutered.

   Some young men are like bottles of wine. They need to be tended to carefully & given time to mature; which is why I keep a few in my cellar.

   Dear "New FM102", you've been "new" for 4 years now. Stop.

   As a fan of hard sci-fi, I did not enjoy "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"

   I'm on my 5th coffee, just in case you're wondering about the "other way" to get to Narnia .

   I must assume that if you are waiting for a politician to make a change in your life you enjoy the finer things like waiting for customer service on the phone, waiting for the doctor at his office, or standing in lines at airport security.

   Me: Will you stay with me till I fall asleep? Him: Ma'am, please just take your pizza

   Orange Hi-C counts as a serving of fruit, right?

   You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you're already there.

   No matter how loud the game is on downstairs, a man always hears the sound of a bra hitting the floor upstairs.

   I bought some sparkly wrapping paper thinking it was like a simulated sparkly kind. It is actually made out of sparkles. Well, now my floor, face, hands, clothes and kid look like Diamond Cherry Serenity & Candi came over to my house after the strip club.

   Keep in mind that "The Cat in the Hat" is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you're gone...

   What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? About Tennish.