Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Brain: Let’s dance. Legs: We don’t do that. Tequila: Just give it a minute.

   love how music takes you away to another place... For example, RobinThick is playing at this bar, so now I’m going to another bar.

   Miley wanted to perform topless at the VMA's. Thank God she only performed a$$less...

   Thanks arms for being by my side. Thanks legs for all the support. Thanks fingers - I can always count on you. Now nose - why so stuffy?

   I'm so drunk I almost went outside.

   Hillary : I think it's time for a woman in the Oval Office. Bill: To late.

   How do you know when your GF is getting fat? She fits into your wife's clothes.

   I'm pretty sure Chris Christie isn't running for president. He may be walking briskly, but he's definitely not running for anything.

   The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder...See how things can escalate quickly Susan??

   LIFE HACK: Living out of your car isn't so bad if you keep telling yourself you're "on tour"

   I wish "Earth Day" was a realityh show in which we can vote people off of the planet.

   You will unlikely ever be the oldest person on the planet, but for a brief moment you held the record for the youngest.

   Just to annoy my therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does needing therapy after seeing me make you feel?"

   OK which team has the most dreadlocks?

   so THAT'S what Sherman looks like with his mouth shut

   Birdman won the Oscar for Best Picture ... for some reason Kanye thought it should have gone to Beyonce

   Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this bowl of cereal.

   I've just invented a wireless, battery-free, hand operated hair-dryer.....I think I'll call it a 'Towel'.

   Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.

   If I had known life was going to be a test I would have cheated more.