Funny Status Messages
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I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle....so they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my vodka :( 
glad to hear that SeaWorld is reopening its "safer" shows this week featuring Norman, the Involuntary Manslaughter Whale.
It's so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful!
Who else had one of those pens with a million colors, and tried to push all the buttons at once?
Remember back in the day when you would make a collect call and try to yell the info to the other party before you were disconnected?
"Marriage" - Betting someone half your sh!t that you'll love them forever
A liar takes forever to explain a simple answer...
If someone says "I love you," and you don't feel the same way, say "I love Youtube" really fast.
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?
You're not yourself today... I noticed the improvement immediately!!
Can't wait 'til I'm old enough to pretend I can't hear.
it safe to say the guys who drive the little 4 cylinders with the loud ass coffee can muffler also have a tiny weenie?
hates it when he asks someone a question and they start their answer with "Honestly?"......No! Please lie to me, that's what I was hoping for.....idiots!
I hate it when you hang out with MC Hammer, and he never lets you touch anything
You'll know I'm your "Secret Santa" when you dont get anything!
I love Halloween because it's the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.
The only people mad at you for speaking the TRUTH are the ones living a LIE.
Now it's too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.
The voices in my head have been quite for a while. They probably broke something. 