Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Look you asked me to be your child's Godfather so don't get pissed at me because I taught him how to break knees and collect debts.

   Relationships are a two way street navigated by women who are backseat drivers and men who refuse to use maps.

   Fear of Friday the 13th is called paraskavedekatriaphobia. Heck I'm just afraid of that word.

   That chili I ate last night is causing gas bubble noises to occur in areas of my body that were previously believed to be solid chocolate

   The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

   When a woman says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

   I have the ability to get wasted and function at the office appropriately the next day... it's my super power.

   I really don't see why Conrad Murray is going to prison for what he did. House pulls crap like that all the time

   Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief & suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a Wedding Cake!!

   I'm so drunk I speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne.

   A wise man once said nothing.

   Glittery eyeliner makes my daddy issues sparkle.

   Say NO to the Bathroom Duckface & Quacker Lips photo epidemic.

   If I could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive, I would choose alive,,, because eating with dead people is just creepy.

   If a midget smokes weed, does he get medium?

   if I screw up things between us, then it probably means that I like you.

   There are 650 Trillion differernt possible games of Chess. If you already knew that, then that explains why you are still a virgin.

   I attribute my great patience to all the dial up porn I watched in the 90s ...

   HER: "You are like my umbrella" HIM: "Because I protect you?" HER: "No, because you don't get me wet."

   The first step toward drinking is admitting you're not drunk.