Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
If my boss didn't want me coming to work drunk then why did he ask me to work on Saturday morning. 
Admit it or not, there's an undeniable satisfaction when your ex replaces you with someone who looks like a double from Planet of the Apes.
Dating is a lot like fishin'. Sometimes catch and release is the best method.
Those who have talent will use it. Those who have none will exploit themselves. Looking at you Miley Cyrus.
Stop the world, I want to get off!
Hugh Hefner is getting married again, to a 26 year old. If I were to marry someone that much younger than me, I'm 54, I would have to wait another six years for her to be born.
"You'll be hearing from my attorney!" Is usually what I tell random strangers leaving a public restroom.
I got mood poisoning from work....
Who says chivalry is dead? Last night, my wife was too sick for sex so I just settled for a BJ...
Just once I would like to be summoned by a king, or a wizard, instead of the courts.
Reese Whitherspoon may have lost her good girl image but she's still got her overinflated self worth...
The first rule of plagiarism club looks familiar
There's always the possibility that Snowden just picked a really elaborate way to break up with a girlfriend.
I like to watch Chinese p orn at night and I put it very loud so that my neighbors think that apart from having sex I can speak Chinese too.
Whenever a woman asks "Do I look fat?" my standard response is always, "Hand me my vodka, I mean my glasses"
ok, time to get off my arse and do something... I can only read the same posts so many times then it feels like groundhog's day.
I love being naked in a house alone... It's just a little awkward when the owner's arrive.
In the dark, it takes several minutes to find the hole and stick it in. Stupid phone charger.
The only thing I'd like for you to say behind my back is "Do you like that?"
Even though I can't fix stupid, maybe this duct tape will keep it from getting worse. 