Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got mood poisoning from work....

   Who says chivalry is dead? Last night, my wife was too sick for sex so I just settled for a BJ...

   Just once I would like to be summoned by a king, or a wizard, instead of the courts.

   Reese Whitherspoon may have lost her good girl image but she's still got her overinflated self worth...

   The first rule of plagiarism club looks familiar

   There's always the possibility that Snowden just picked a really elaborate way to break up with a girlfriend.

   I like to watch Chinese p orn at night and I put it very loud so that my neighbors think that apart from having sex I can speak Chinese too.

   Whenever a woman asks "Do I look fat?" my standard response is always, "Hand me my vodka, I mean my glasses"

   ok, time to get off my arse and do something... I can only read the same posts so many times then it feels like groundhog's day.

   I love being naked in a house alone... It's just a little awkward when the owner's arrive.

   In the dark, it takes several minutes to find the hole and stick it in. Stupid phone charger.

   The only thing I'd like for you to say behind my back is "Do you like that?"

   Even though I can't fix stupid, maybe this duct tape will keep it from getting worse.

   Sorry for my bluntness, that's just how I roll.

   I'd give anything if I could just hear George Jefferson call us "Honky" one more time!

   Some people are only alive in this world because I really don't want to be someone's b!tch in prison

   Someone should invent padded underwear for men to get back at women for wearing pushup bras

   Shopping for a minivan at a car show while you're married is like going to a strip club and looking at the DJ.

   Each day of my life is like a chapter in a book.....deserving of a happy ending....

   Remember when I used to like you? Me neither.