Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Democrat parties have weed, Republican parties have hookers. Tough call...

   What if they made a Kindle that doesn't run out of battery? Like, a book.

   You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...

   Trillions of stars. Billions of galaxies. So many civilizations. But you’ll never explore one. You’re stuck here on earth hearing about the damn Kardashians.

   You know I got to thinkin about it and I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 26 years...... that is 9,490 sit-ups and not ONE ab to show for it....

   f you feel sad, remember: There are people out there right now buying last-minute Christmas presents for their cats.

   watched a bunny hop past me and into bushes and thought "What if I'm supposed to follow it?"

   After sending a risky text, a minute feels like an eternity.

   This "fancy" wine rack I got for Christmas is total crap. NONE of these boxes fit at all

   I serve my "fck you's" with a smile. It just has a better effect that way. Don't you think?

   My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don't have a little brother...

   When you're a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.

   I wish my wife would look at me the way Biden looks at the back of Obamas head.

   They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but 2 minutes and 15 seconds once every 3 months ain't going to shift your beer belly is it.

   I don't understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.

   Here's a little pro tip for ya, it doesn't have to be your birthday to buy a birthday cake. They'll just sell it to you no questions asked.

   beat the heck out of the alarm clock this morning. It's currently on life support, but if it tries that $hit again tomorrow, I'm pulling the plug!!!

   I just saw a man disconnect his oxygen tank before he lit his cigarette. Safety first.

   For some reason, my posts don't seem nearly as funny to me once I've sobered up.

   I think They should make a Pregnancy app. You just pee on your phone and it tells you if you are pregnant. Your move apple!