derek Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon I'm playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they'll never find me, because they aren't old enough to drive or get into this bar.
←Rate | 03-02-2011 08:35 by Derek Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it's not arrived yet
←Rate | 10-19-2013 09:35 by derek Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm pretty sure the asshole that put the extra 'r' in February is the same guy who thought up the spelling for Wednesday...
←Rate | 01-05-2011 08:17 by Derek Comments (1)  

   messageicon I put Red Bull in my coffe pot this morning instead of water. I'm so wired I can see noises...
←Rate | 12-05-2010 09:48 by Derek Comments (1)  

   messageicon working up one hell of a sweat by wearing my "Snuggie" while using "Shakeweights", thank God for "Shamwow" to mop up this mess.
←Rate | 07-18-2010 17:23 by derek Comments (0)  

   messageicon The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil
←Rate | 09-04-2010 16:56 by derek Comments (0)  

   messageicon These kids on MasterChef Junior are incredible! I think I'm creative when I add lettuce and tomato to a sandwich.
←Rate | 10-19-2013 09:37 by derek Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
←Rate | 07-28-2010 02:24 by derek Comments (0)  

   messageicon If it's broken, fix it. If it's lost, find it. If it's loud turn it down. If it's hot, cool it off. If it burns when you pee, call all of your exes
←Rate | 07-26-2010 20:10 by derek Comments (0)  

   messageicon locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.
←Rate | 07-22-2010 12:25 by derek Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hello. My answers to yesterday's msgs, in order of their arrival. Yes. Tomorrow at 5pm. Duct tape & piano wire. Tonight's safety word will be banana. No. TY
←Rate | 07-15-2010 18:36 by derek Comments (0)  

   messageicon To all the women I have slept with, I have herpes....and you thought I'd forget you on Valentine's Day
←Rate | 02-14-2011 11:15 by Derek Comments (0)  

   messageicon figured out that the shin bone is intended for finding furniture in a dark room.
←Rate | 07-28-2010 02:23 by derek Comments (0)  

   messageicon my dog is the best at playing dead....he's been doing it for six weeks. he's good.
←Rate | 07-08-2010 17:34 by derek Comments (0)  

   messageicon My son asked why women wear white at weddings. I said "Its always better if the dishwasher matches the stove and refrigerator. "
←Rate | 02-16-2011 08:59 by Derek Comments (0)  

   messageicon Was once told that you will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong the time I realized it was a figure of speech... She had already hit the ground.
←Rate | 07-16-2010 17:01 by derek Comments (0)  


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