Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I really want to rent a hot air balloon. Or at least a moderately attractive air balloon with a great personality.

   Don't worry Mayans, if you DO get it wrong it's not the end of the world.

   Fool me once, shame on me. Wait no, it’s shame on you. I think. Anyways, next time I’m gonna stab you.......... a lot.

   When cutting my cocaine I always use my medical insurance card. It just feels right.

   If you eat seafood can you go swimming right away?

   So broke right now, if a thief robbed me, he'd just be practicing.

   Don't you love the tan lines that girls get after sunbathing? It's almost like God came down and highlighted all the important parts.

   I’m so tired. Almost time to crawl into bed and not be able to sleep for three hours.

   If I win the Powerball, I'm gonna buy Bruce Jenner and turn him back into a man. Just for fun.

   Today's Horoscope: You're gullible.

   My Neighbor mows his lawn every Sunday morning at 7:00am sharp! So tonight I'm listing his mower for sale on Craigslist at 11:00pm for only $5.00. That should keep his phone ringing most of the night!..........(sleeping in tomorrow!)

   RIP Harold Ramis - If there is ever a Ghostbunsters 3, I guess Egon will be the ghost they hunt...

   My spirit animal would run into a screen door.

   I bet Rosa Parks kicked ass at Musical Chairs.

   Got all my Christmas gifts bought early this year, hope everyone likes Halloween costumes-

   Adele's new album should come with a coupon for Ben & Jerry's.

   If Bill Cosby were black he'd be in jail by now.

   How much for the masturbation cocoon? Sir that's a sleeping bag.

   Why hasn't Head and Shoulders shampoo come out with a body wash called "Knees and Toes" ?

   The over spray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.