Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Forget the "Dislike" button....can we get a "Don't Give a F*ck" button ?

   Mother rabbit to baby bunny: "A magician pulled you out of a hat. Now stop asking questions."

   "Kissing is like real estate. The mst important thing is location, location, location." :P

   2011....Who's ready for another lap around the Sun?

   would never say this of myself, but my friends tell me that my milkshake is particularly adept at bringing gentlemen callers to the estate.

   why is it that when you go to McDonald's they ask “Would you like any sauce for your chicken nuggets?”, but all along they know they are never going to give it to you, shady b*stards!

   Dear Santa, every year you bring me coal. Could you bring me a BBQ pit so I can use them this year? Thank you in advance.

   BREAKING NEWS: Suresh Kalmadi (India CWG Head) just tried to hang himself ...But the ceiling collapsed... ;)

   Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?

   hey YOU...I'm Sorry, did my back hurt your knife?

   I can't wait till my son is old enough for me to hide a dirty magazine under his mattress for his mom to find.

   Alls I'm sayin is the Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago - and they still don't have any Mexicans.

   It was probably an Islamic alligator.

   If the B in LGTB stands for Bi doesn't that mean there are only two genders?

   watched one minute of pro wrestling and realized I'm not such an idiot after all...

   Happy Mothers Day to all the wonderful MILFs out there!

   I always practice safe sex. When I am done, I deflate her and put her in the safe. I don't want my cleaning lady finding it.

   So who's buying their kids Elmo toys this Christmas?....Anyone...?

   To all the Jehovas Witnesses: Happy 12:30am on a tuesday!!!

   I took two foreign languages in high school,,,, Spanish and math.