Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So my neighbor comes over last night and has the nerve to tell me to turn my music down.......So I says "What the heck are you even doing up at 2:00 am in the first place?!"

   Dear FCC, We already know whats being shown and said behind those blurs and black rectangles. Sincerely Everybody

   Dear mom, if you are reading this right now. I;m in the bathroom and we are out of toilet paper. Please Help!!

   This girl I'm going out with tonight must be rich because she has one of those expensive cars that she can start just by blowing into a tube.

   You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

   If you're a polygamist married to several women and dont have a wedding ring that says, "One ring to rule them all." You're just wasting everybody's time.

   The brawl at the Mall of America says more about our country than any five history books ever could.

   I toss and turn until 5 minutes before the alarm, then I drift peacefully off to sl--*beep*beep*beep*beep*!

   I know my dream woman is out there.. and that her boring friend is the one into me..

   Dear Google: We're not dating, so stop trying to finish my sentences. Sincerely, not searching for "Why can't midgets shave"

   More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.

   If you guys were at a bar right now I'd burst through the door & say "Drinks are on me!" Then I'd go to the bathroom & climb out the window.

   I want to deactivate my FB account, but I know I would be proud of myself and want to announce it to everyone… on Facebook.

   Don`t flatter yourself, I sent a friend request not a marriage proposal.

   I'm too sexy for my ex.

   I still don't understand why these Christmas Carolers get spooked so easily....They act like they've never had a potato gun fired at them before! ツ

   Just read that California leads the nation in depression cases and adultery. ....What a sad state of affairs.

   If you pull them up high enough, any underwear becomes a thong.

   If you're going to poke me, you better buy me dinner first.

   has come to realize that my job is like an episode of "LOST". Confusing, filled with a lot of interesting characters and just when I think I have it figured out - everything changes.