Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My bucket list is just a list of things I want to eat a bucket of....

   I'm really attracted to how unavailable you are.

   The imaginary enemy of my enemy is my imaginary friend.

   Anyone else get that odd sense of victory when your fart causes someone to open the car window in the middle of a thunderstorm??

   Tebow is white, plays against Miami, loved by fans, and only plays well in the 4th quarter - he's the anti-LeBron

   Bin Laden, Gadaffi, Saddam, and Maliki are part of the occupy Hell movement.

   With Lindsay Lohan doubling duty between a Playboy shoot and working at the L.A. county morgue, it should be interesting to see what she wears for Halloween...I haven't spotted any zombie, prison striped, part time lesbian, boozing, kleptomaniac, playboy

   currently in the planning stages for a hangover.

   This girl I'm going out with tonight must be rich because she has one of those expensive cars that she can start just by blowing into a tube.

   You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

   If you're a polygamist married to several women and dont have a wedding ring that says, "One ring to rule them all." You're just wasting everybody's time.

   Missing dog and wife. Reward for dog.

   when the roomates away, in my underwear I will stay

   Just realized how sad it is when people watch reality tv rather than going out and having a reality!

   I think “be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give to some people.

   Steve Gerrard "The whole team is behind Rob Green". In retrospect, that's a good place to stand from now on

   When I was older I used to love playing around with time machines.

   I'm working on my resume. Should I use the term "mad skillz" or would "mad skills" be more formal?

   says "Dyslexics are teople poo"

   Noticed an ASPCA-sponsored bumper sticker shaped like a milk bone that said 'I sleep with dogs.' I thought it was pretty cute. Then the guy and his not-so-pretty wife got out of the truck. Oh the irony!