Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ran into her ex today...put it in reverse and got his new girlfriend, too!!! ;)

   Ever wonder how that one single black hair got all the way up there on your shower wall?

   It's been almost a year, and just for the record, you're STILL lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.

   Pregnancy Advice: A stork might bring you a baby, but a swallow never will.

   misses the kindergarten days where naps were required, snacks were given, and when a boy pushed you in the sandbox it means "I like you"

   How do I give this U2 album back?

   When the zombie apocalypse finally starts, I am running straight to the graveyard to play the most epic game of whack-a-mole ever.

   I remember back when the media didn't have to invent names like "polar vortex" to tell us that it is cold during winter...

   They should invent a snooze button that hits back.

   Certain people come into your life as a blessing, others as a lesson and a few as a punishment.

   It would be funny if someone calls"shotgun", and you were to just yell"Rosa Parks", get in the front seat, and refuse to move?

   My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I'm off to find a bar with a mirror.

   put your hand up if you think I'm crazy... but then again look at who's raising their hand in front of the computer! :p

   Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels

   ''Are you free tomorrow?'' No, i'm expensive.

   Lieutenant Dan, ice cream.

   Username or Password Incorrect” … You couldn't just tell me which one?

   When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you've been doing since you were 16.

   I swear if my boss paid ever me in Trident Layers, I'd probably have to kick his ass.

   you can quit with the whole "limited time offer" Proactiv, you've always been $19.95..