Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   made a poor spending decision and would now like Congress to bail him out for the sake of his shareholders.

   next time you go to a restaurant and ask for a Coke, and they say "is Pepsi OK?", you should reply "is Monopoly money OK?"

   walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning." he said, "No, just taking a sh*t".

   wow i'm so behind on pop culture I just now found out who that little girl on tv is and her name is justin bieber

   absolutely willing to work on weekends ... granted that weekdays are off.

   asks if what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas....... then why did my new wife follow me home????

   says, Love your enemies. It will confuse them!..

   I kissed a girl on the playground in the summer of '96. Maybe someday she'll find me and we'll hook up again. Who Knows, Until then I'll keep chasing brunettes with big boobies."

   a W.T.F. Moment!... If fast food is so unhealthy then why is McDonald's the sponsor of the Olympics???

   FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent Condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything."

   Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably sh!t.

   Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance,' with a face like that!

   I bet when Jesse James and Kat Von D have sex it looks like 2 Ed Hardy shirts tumbling in a dryer!

   How many mexicans does it take t-... Oh sh#t, they're done..

   I really thought my ex was joking when she said my obsession with the Monkees would cause us to divorce. Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer.

   I can't wait till October for when Rapture the sequel comes out.

   What do you call nun in a wheel chair.. Virgin Mobile

   if your blonde and attractive... stay away from Aruba

   if you're ever attacked by a bunch of clowns... Go for the Juggler!!!

   I remember 2011 like it was yesterday