Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   can't understand why Victoria's Secret incorrectly refers to these "wine-drinking, recliner pants" I'm wearing as "yoga pants."

   Trust in a big government is like give them a lighter, then cover yourself in gasoline.

   In a relationship you'll find either your soulmate or your cellmate.

   Got some stain remover that takes out grass, urine, sweat, coffee, and lipstick stains. Sounds like quite an evening.

   Dear sleep , I kow we had problems when I was younger but I love you now.

   I count it as a random act of kindness when you see me in public and pretend you didn't.

   What if Bruce Willis and crew actually blew up the asteroid last night. Willis 1 - Mayans 0.

   I asked my wife if anything was wrong and she said "yes" and I'm completely lost, I've never played the game like this before.

   If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

   Hope I'm never call-into-a-morning-radio-show-for-advice depressed.

   I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

   HEY,, I wrote the manual on ADD.. Well, it's 3 sentences,,,, The rest is a drawing of a giant space robot eating a skyscraper made of muffins.

   Life is a fill-in-the-blank choose your own adventure scratch & sniff coloring book with missing pages and pop-ups.

   realizes that coffee just isn't enough today ... Anyone have jumper cables I can borrow ?

   STOP BULLYING... or I'm gonna kick your ass! ツ

   How about we start being thankful everyday, and have a holiday once a year called Complainsgiving?

   When you have an old girlfriend call asking for money for an alternator for her new boyfriend's car, you realize you need to upgrade your choices in women.

   People are like snowflakes. I only like them on Christmas.

   There's a difference between antisocial and antistupid.

   I am afraid to make eye contact with women who shave their eyebrows off and draw them back on.