Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Boobs are like the sun. Ok to look, but dangerous to stare. But that's what sunglasses are for.

   I'm texting nothing but ugly girls from now on. They text back so fast!

   Just overheard this damn near 65 year old lady say, "I'm still single cuz I ain't met the right man yet." Thought to myself, "Oh, you gonna meet him soon. His name is Jesus..."

   Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!

   If Miley Cyrus trips and falls, is it considered a hoedown?

   Ten bucks says Slash has no idea where he is.

   420 is the day we celebrate marijuana. 421 is the day employers celebrate random drug testing!

   I am steaming the widows with my iron and writing the words "Please Help Me" just to see what the nosy neighbors will do.

   • there are two reasons why people change; first : they have learned a lot. second : they've been hurt too much.

   McDonalds is growing up! They dumped Ronald and I hear they are planning to add an adult toy to their value meals.

   There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year... play it safe and call in sick tomorrow.

   Thinking about writing a book on Mormon cults. Will title it, "Always the Bride, Never the Bridesmaid."

   So the Queen of England Finally goes to Ireland after many years to help heal old wounds and whats the most important thing the Irish have to show her!?!?!??! how to pour a perfect pint of guinness!!! CLASSIC....stay Irish my friends!!!

   You should like yourself because that is the only person you have to spend the rest of your life with.

   Chicks dig it when I stretch out before showing off my dart skills.

   If you truly love someone you roll down the window to scoop out the fart you put in the car.

   getting suspicious of my wife. Every time I come home early our parrot yells, Quick, Out the window.

   Rather than throwing four separate birthday parties for my kids I decided to combine the money and get my windows tinted. Sweet.

   What doesn't kill you makes you pour a stronger drink.

   You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that s hit to yourselves or be more descriptive.