Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm going to lock in my Super Bowl prediction right now. I predict Madonna will be f*cking terrible.

   Admit it, When your were little and you swallowed a fruit seed you were scared to death a tree was going to grow in your tummy.

   Desperado, you've been outright offensive, for so long now

   I've found many African Americans are against gay marriage, which is sad but I guess it makes sense. I mean who wants two deadbeat dads?

   Who remembers when big ol' gigantic ol' Rosie O'Donnell came out of the closet? Okay it was a storage unit but.....

   When Vanna White dies her family will receive a lot of touching letters.

   (̅_̅_̅_̅(̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅̅_̅()ڪے~ ~ Smoking Hot!!

   This bill collector called my house for the last time today. I told him just like it is... You call my house 1 more time and I'm taking your name out the hat. I put everybody's name in a hat, at the end of the week I draw a name and that's the one I pay.

   Happy 234th Birthday,America! :)

   I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, “Forget everything you know about kitchen knives.” So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me knives, and I didn't know what they were!

   If he worked my clit as good as he works his Xbox controller, I could care less how much he plays that game

   Sorry, ladies, but if he has a 4" d*ck, he'll never really be that into you.

   Women are like snowflakes. They can't drive.

   For a minute, I thought someone was abducting douchebags and tagging their ears, then letting them back in to the wild... turns out it's just their bluetooth..

   Some of the best memories leave a stain.

   That great feeling when the girl comes back to you hurt and crying after choosing the "jerk" instead of you.. I'm sorry but I told you so..

   Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I also accept gifts in the form of beer, casual sex and football tickets.

   When a waitress says, "Let me know if you need anything else." I gaze into her eyes and say, "Just someone who will listen."

   A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking. A wise man tells her she looks extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.

   We are $14 trillion in debt. To understand how much money that is, imagine grocery shopping at Whole Foods every day of the month.