Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever you're feeling down, I'll be there to feel you up. ♥

   It takes 22 muscles to smile and 37 muscles to frown. That means I'm working out harder than you, Mr. F*cking Happy.

   I find it rude and inconsiderate that my grandchildren haven't time- traveled to come and visit me.

   If being sarcastic burned calories, Id look like half of an Olsen Twin.

   If you want to feel special, I have no problem handing you a helmet and a box of crayons.

   Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn't counting calories.

   Ever notice that when you post something on a particular subject, facebook puts up advertising pertaining to it.........hemorrhoids, gonorrhea, g-string, sex change.....let's see what advertisement they have for those things.

   The truth shall set you free, but first it will piss you off!!!

   I drink in front of plants when I haven't watered them in weeks so I can maintain dominance.

   If the catholic church looks down on sex before marriage does that mean all of those priests committed two sins?

   The older I get, the farther apart I spread my feet when I use a urinal. Soon, I will be doing a Jean-Claude Van Damme split when I piss.

   Renewing your wedding vows is like agreeing on a double life sentence to prison.

   I slid a piece of toilet paper into the next stall with "I can feel your heartbeat" written on it. You could hear a pin drop in here.

   If I don't look like I barely survived a natural disaster after we've had sex, you need to try harder.

   Don't worry if you're sad and lonely and having a bad day, the sun is shining anyway because no one cares.

   There are some people we *want* to offend.

   Take your time, because relationships that start fast, end fast.

   To the Kindergarten teacher that I kicked in the shin because I didn't want to take a nap, I am sorry. I was really b!tchy when I dropped my son off.

   How come dumb stuff seems so smart while you're doing it.

   Send message without subject? Yes, Gmail. f$ck off.