Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever you're feeling down, I'll be there to feel you up. ♥

   It takes 22 muscles to smile and 37 muscles to frown. That means I'm working out harder than you, Mr. F*cking Happy.

   I find it rude and inconsiderate that my grandchildren haven't time- traveled to come and visit me.

   WORD OF ADVICE: The key to a lasting relationship is keeping the fights clean and the sex dirty.

   When updating your status, always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out...

   Dear Booze: Just when I think nobody cares, there you are, lubricating the slide to rock bottom. WEEEEEEEEEE!

   99% of girls are hot. The other 1% go to my school.

   Women are like horoscopes, they always tell you what to do and they're usually wrong.

   Telling somebody you love them is like telling them your dream from last night. You can explain all you want. They'll never understand.

   I reckon that Adele and Drake were hurt by the same man.

   Spelling bees think they're better than the illiterate bees.......... ( Sorry, I'll just let myself out..)

   I'll be a team player when I get paid like a damn pro athlete.

   The truth shall set you free, but first it will piss you off!!!

   I drink in front of plants when I haven't watered them in weeks so I can maintain dominance.

   If the catholic church looks down on sex before marriage does that mean all of those priests committed two sins?

   The older I get, the farther apart I spread my feet when I use a urinal. Soon, I will be doing a Jean-Claude Van Damme split when I piss.

   Renewing your wedding vows is like agreeing on a double life sentence to prison.

   I slid a piece of toilet paper into the next stall with "I can feel your heartbeat" written on it. You could hear a pin drop in here.

   If you don't stop wearing that much eyeliner someone is going to call animal control and report you as slutty raccoon on the loose.

   Seriously? WTF is it with all the unecessary phone names? ~~> Get the new 4G LTE touch bionic droid x2 razor Evo 3D 8950 by HTC.