Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dog ate a whole bottle of Tums. I freaked! I called the Vet and asked him what I should do. He said to take him out for Mexican.

   Here's something you'll never hear, "Oh cool, you have a pink lighter."

   "Dad, what does 'gay' mean?" "It means 'to be happy'." "Are you gay?" "No, son. I'm married."

   Nobody's phone is ever off. They're lying.

   Called my 40 year old cousin in Louisiana and told her she'd better hurry up and get married. There won't be as many fish in the sea now.

   Pet Peeve #27: When you ask how old a child is and the reply is "Oh she/he's 15 months" Seriously! Why can't it just be he/she is a year old? From now on Imma be like "Oh I'm 389 months"

   life is like a roll of toilet paper...the closer it gets to the end> the faster it goes...

   Sometimes I think that the only reason that the United States goes to War with countries is to help American kids learn Geography...before the War, how many of them could tell you where Afghanistan is?

   I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don't want people to recognize me when I'm taking a dump.

   Cut my life into pizza's, this is my plastic fork. Oven baking, heavy breathing, dont give a f**k if it's carbs that I'm eatting;)

   Pac-Man teaches us a valuable lesson Eat everything you can, and if anyone tries to stop you, eat them.

   Jessica Simpson had her baby. Apparently, Kanye busted into the delivery room and said Beyonce had the best baby of all time.

   Dating your Ex again is like buying your clothes back from Goodwill. There's a reason you got rid of it in the first place.

   By the age of 60, the average black woman has spent 21900 days (3 years) scratching her weave.

   Subway: Where women make sandwiches for men without complaining.

   Just once I'd like to wake up as eager to start the day as my p enis is.

   don't go broke trying to look rich... act your 'wage'

   Majority of Religious people have given religion a bad name.

   Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs. His wife, Hillary got $8 million for hers. That’s $20 million for memories from two people who for eight years repeatedly testified under oath, that they couldn’t remember anything.

   The most photographed red carpet in Hollywood is still Lindsay's.