Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know what's amazing? "how I met your mother"

   One tub of crisco... One body pillow... One box of condoms... One cashier... One wink... One awkward moment.

   Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off

   It's so hot outside I attended a Hillary Clinton rally just to be next to something shady.

   How soon can we start building a wall around California?

   That felon whose mugshot has women swooning over him is proof enough that women are crazy and perverts too.

   No relationship is perfect so you might as well pick the perfect person you want to go through hell with

   *Pizza Hut job interview* "Do you own a sh*tty car and smoke pot?" No sir. "You will."

   I'm not the sort of person you want to put on speakerphone.

   They should wait until tomorrow morning to announce the verdict so everyone in Ferguson will be at work. Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

   The retards back!

   It's official! I just bought my first bag of Halloween candy...that will NOT make it to Halloween.

   Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.

   I just watched Bug's Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

   If I ever start a team, I'm going to name it "Each Other Off"...That way when we loose a game, the other players will have to tell people they "beat each other off last night"!!!

   A bee just flew into my car so I had to abandon it on the highway and now I'm walking home.

   I've looked all over ESPN for last night's WWE match winners but it's like it's not a real sport…

   90% of the ocean remains unexplored and you're telling me mermaids don't exist?

   I bet homeless people think we're making fun of them when we go camping.

   I'm always surprised how quickly "you're so funny" turns into "everything is a joke to you." (usually about 3 months)