Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The word OK looks like a sideways person. I've said OK my whole life and never noticed him. What's up little guy?

   As I said before, I never repeat myself.

   If you do not like the way I solve things, then don't create a problem for me.

   Everybody says that you should say no to drugs, but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late.

   whenever i'm bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!

   Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful

   I wonder what it is that I did to get reincarnated as me.

   I accept exceptions except when accepting them would be unacceptable because I'm exceptional.

   If the world is gonna end, I've got to start spending money faster. Anyone up for a party?

   Jeremy Meeks the hot convict set to get a $100,000 per month modelling contract. While with my college degree, I'm expected to earn in a year at the PEAK of my future career. I love how our society glorifies violent criminals when honest, hard-working peo

   Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”

   I can't get the cork off my dinner.

   I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...

   I'm shocked that Chris Christie would be involved in the blocking of a major artery.

   Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?

   Why isn’t the movie ‘What Women Want’ just 90 minutes of Ryan Gosling doing an ab workout on a pile of Nutella and money?

   Hot singles in your area wish you would turn up the air conditioning.

   I have a dream that one day I won't have to work on MLK Day.

   Spock inspired many a latina to shave their eyebrows and draw on freaky ones.

   Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because NO ONE IS HITTING SNOOZE WHEN THEY HEAR THAT