Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No matter your sexual preferences, your skin color, your religious belief, your origin, if I see you drowning in a lake I will do my best to rescue you at the risk of being hooked and dragged at the bottom in the process. That's what humans are for.

   I bet a tough part of fielding calls at a poison control center is not finishing most of your sentences with "...you unbelievable moron."

   At my funeral, I want you guys to read my jokes... That way, everyone feels a little bit better about me being dead.

   I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel's program "Deadliest Catch" wasn't about first marriages.

   My pants say yoga but my ass says more cupcakes please

   (Possible post if Facebook was around in 1979) Busy day today. Me and the boys are riding all over town on our bikes. Later we'll be at the lot playing Hot Wheels, so hit me up if you're in.

   LeBron James just got a new endorsement deal with Midol

   Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"

   Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again

   Knock knock.... Who's there?.... Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"

   My life is like Grand Theft Auto V except I drive a Subaru Outback and the cops wave at me

   If you drive under the speed limit then yes you are boring

   You ever look at someone and daydream about them in the most erotic way....yeah that was me today dreaming about my female co-worker shutting the eff up and fixing me a sandwich to eat......

   At a recent job interview: What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths? 'Well, my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.' And your strengths? 'I'm Superwoman!'

   Just admit it you're acting like a baby! You're just mad because I'm the REAL SLIM SHADY!!! -Trump

   Aerosmith on the Today Show. Willard Scott Wished them all a happy 100th birthday.

   If I could choose between world peace and a reasonable fortune, my first Lambo would be red.

   You're uglier than..... well, you're the example.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, daisies are white, sunflowers are yellow. This florist has everything.

   I'll have a little of whatever God was on when he invented seahorses please.