Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I told my wife the best way to get motivated to lose weight is to try on the bikini she wants to wear this summer....She told me to shut up and take it off.

   Rappers always talk about robbing people in their songs, thats why I download all their songs for free. Payback!!

   Bin Laden-R.I.P. REST IN PISS!

   "After seeing Kate and William getting married and the Pope's beatification this weekend, my life is complete. I don't care if I die tomorrow" - Osama Bin Laden

   noticed that on the same night Obama was ordering the Navy to kill bin laden, his potential opponent in 2012, Donald Trump, was busy firing Playmate of the Month Hope Dworaczyk........

   Guys don't post stuff like ☆ BEAUTIFUL☆ FATHER☆ AWARD ☆ on eachouther's walls with the whole ˙·٠•●♥ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙ crap after it.  We show each other love by posting, "Dude, you're an A$$!"  

   Somewhere, there is someone still in prison for stealing VCRs

   No matter your sexual preferences, your skin color, your religious belief, your origin, if I see you drowning in a lake I will do my best to rescue you at the risk of being hooked and dragged at the bottom in the process. That's what humans are for.

   I bet a tough part of fielding calls at a poison control center is not finishing most of your sentences with "...you unbelievable moron."

   At my funeral, I want you guys to read my jokes... That way, everyone feels a little bit better about me being dead.

   I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel's program "Deadliest Catch" wasn't about first marriages.

   My pants say yoga but my ass says more cupcakes please

   (Possible post if Facebook was around in 1979) Busy day today. Me and the boys are riding all over town on our bikes. Later we'll be at the lot playing Hot Wheels, so hit me up if you're in.

   LeBron James just got a new endorsement deal with Midol

   Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"

   Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again

   Knock knock.... Who's there?.... Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"

   My life is like Grand Theft Auto V except I drive a Subaru Outback and the cops wave at me

   If you drive under the speed limit then yes you are boring

   You ever look at someone and daydream about them in the most erotic way....yeah that was me today dreaming about my female co-worker shutting the eff up and fixing me a sandwich to eat......