Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Money is not a problem. The problem is I don't have Money.

   You'd think that after a while, Scooby and Shaggy would stop being such pu$sies when they see a ghost or something. They should know it's just someone in a costume.

   Hey baby, did it hurt when you fell from your parents' lofty expectations?

   Her: “I'm overweight, my boobs sag, I have wrinkles and my hair is turning gray… Compliment me so I'll feel better.” Him: “There's nothing wrong with your eyesight!”

   They need to make a breathalyzer app for my phone... After 10pm, I'm usually above the legal limit to text message.

   Lets just call him He-Who-Will-Not-Be-Laid.

   Thanks for calling the revolutionary tipline. Your call is important to us. Press: 1 if by land, 2 if by sea, 3 to hear these options in Spanish

   My safe word is Marriage.

   Junk- something you keep for years so you can throw it away three weeks before you need it.

   A snail that meows, a squirrel in an astronaut suit, a crab with a whale as a daughter, The creators of SPONGEBOB were obviously high.

   Whenever I hear about bad things happeneing to Clairvoyants and Psychic`s I just think why did`nt you see that coming ?

   Im a bit more cautious when deleting my internet history. I thought it might look a bit suspicious that I haven't been on the internet for two years.

   I was having a fantastic nap on the way to work this morning, until some inconsiderate ba$tard decided to bounce off my windshield.

   Americans will spend $17.6 BILLION on Valentine's Day. On average men spend $169. Women spend $86.

   Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.

   I'm going to start an online store where people can buy bait for when they go fishing for compliments on Facebook.

   I'll acknowledge Canada Day whey they finally acknowledge that's not bacon.

   I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::

   My desire to be well-informed during this presidential election is currently at odds with my desire to remain sane.

   Hoping people are not gonna play Pokemon Go during the Summer Olympics games in Rio... looking for Zikaachu..