Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just read an article about a man who had beaten his wife with a saucepan in the kitchen ..... it's a damn sick world we live in. ....... What the hell was he doing in the kitchen

   gonna go to church to confess my sins but I drank so much last night I can't remember them.

   You don't know how strong you are until you have no other option.

   The condom says to the tampon, "You put me out of my job for a week every month!"The tampon replies, "yeah? And when you don't do your damn job properly, I lose mine for 9 months!!"

   I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee...so I pulled over and fertilized your crops.

   Nice guys finish last, because they make sure their girl come first.

   You know, it wasn't always called bipolar. It once was called "being a b!tch"

   Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family.

   I never let my children watch band performances on TV. Too much sax and violins.

   I love finding money in my clothes…..its like a gift from me.. to me. 

   Sorry I shot you in the face with a tampon. In my defense, you were acting like a giant v*gina.

   "just wants less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done. "

   Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing. Then I can continue killing you with beer.

   Whenever you feel powerless, remind yourself that a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water-park.

   Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...I had to smash."

   Why do some men feel the need to make his woman jealous of other beautiful girls? A real man should be making other beautiful girls jealous of his woman!!

   In Toy Story 3, if Andy was 17, that means that the toys stood there in silence while andy furiously masturbated.

   I wish people would stop only talking about Jesus and just start acting like him.

   I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I'd rather sh!t in my hands and clap !"..

   Stevie Wonder's Twitter update was hilarious. it said," ahdshewsd€yts".