Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not saying you're a slut. It's just that your "private parts" are more like public parts ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

   Remember these 3 words and you'll always have money: Stick-em-up!

   Seems kinda strange we couldn't get even one post mortem pic of Bin Laden but nobody seems to mind Gadhafi showing up at back yard picnics and local supermarket meat freezers like he's starring in the sequel to "A Weekend At Bernie's".....Go figure!

   Cell phones ruined the era of throwing people into pools.

   Wow, I've just noticed that almost all the girls on my Facebook are girls that I've tried to hook up with at one point or another. My Facebook has suddenly become one giant reminder of pure and utter failure. Well played Facebook, well played...

   I've seen 4 people go from "in a relationship" to "single" today...yep, it's definitely no shave November.

   Here comes the 2010 Christmas post all over again ...

   Better late than pregnant.

   I bet virgin wool comes from really ugly sheep!

   I wish more parents let kids choose their own names. Then everyone would just be named Spiderman or Ariel or Fruit Rollup.

   If Trump's hair sees its shadow NBC gets 6 more seasons of celebrities pretending to respect him.

   Keep the dream alive......... Hit the snooze button.

   The Windows Update reminder to restart your computer is like a little kid. You tell it that you'll restart later, so it goes away, then it pops up again in two minutes and says "Ok, it's later!".

   Social Media: When you can't stand being around human beings but also can't stand to be alone with your thoughts.

   My future wife is probably lying in bed right now texting her man about how they’re gonna be together forever. I think not, see you in five years sweetheart

   If you're not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.

   Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie, romantic.....but do it on a bus and the judge doesn't agree.

   Listening to wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing,still you say..."I Agree".....!

   At my age.... It's always Happy Hour!

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.