Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't remember the last time I heard a dial tone.

   Today I am the C.E.O of the "I Don't Give A Sh*t" Committee........ We Are Hiring

   Thanks to all the legal and medical dramas I've watched, I'm pretty sure I'm capable of winning court cases and saving lives.

   I'm not sure I understand What The Hell you're talking about....But.....you're showing cleavage, so I will listen.

   I overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Facebook than to her, or at least that's what I think she said to me.

   If it's true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

   Here is a big shout out for slugs, those little guys are out there doing the same stuff as snails but without helmets...

   Barely 24 hours left to be nice, then its naughty naughties all over again

   anyone else worried that if Wikipedia goes black, it'll never go back?

   I started an Alcohol Free Diet today. So if its Free, I drink it.

   What kind of wine goes best with laundry?

   After the first of the year, my healthcare plan will be a Band-Aid and a prayer.

   This is normally when Tony Romo is visited by 3 ghosts. The ghost of December Failures past, present and future.

   OMG I met the perfect guy! Maybe I can fix him. - Women.

   The best thing about depression is all the naps. Also the frequent snacks. Also the heavy drinking. The drugs are cool too.

   It's what's on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.

   My medical ID bracelet says "Probably Drunk".

   Getting dumped by a hoarder has to be rock bottom.

   We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...

   I hate when I get to work and I'm at work.