Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Big mouths overcompensate for small minds.

   When it comes to returning emails, I only have two speeds: within 3 seconds or within 3 months

   A girl picking up the phone in the middle of sex is a free pass to get weird.

   My first crush was in kindergarten. I knew it was doomed when she colored neatly and perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile.

   Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time!

   You know It's not really an "American Girl Doll ®" without cuts on it's arms, a teen pregnancy, or an eating disorder.

   You know you're getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.

   Whenever I walk into a Wal-Mart I automatically hate everyone.....including myself.

   There's nothing sexier than an intelligent woman who can f uck like she's stupid

   I would love to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.

   Ladies be careful, some of these guys don't want to get into your pants, they want to wear them.

   You will always find me in the kitchen at parties... unless you've stashed the booze in a different room.

   Where I am from, if I was "16 And Pregnant" I'd get an ass beating not a TV show.

   Look, if we all work together, we can lift and move New Orleans to a new location...

   I should have known it wasn't going to be a real Supercut when they put my cape on backwards.

   If there was an accepted currency worldwide, it would be Beer.

   Love me or hate me. Either way I'm on your mind and I'm flattered.

   Gravity didn't seem this strong twenty-five years ago. :-/

   Darn it, someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.

   Get over the Kellyanne picture folks, it's not the first time a woman has been on her knees in the White House. Sad!