Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Condoms hidden, plates and dishes washed, toilet tissue put in dispenser, fruits bought, bed made, bathtub washed, house cleaned and vacuumed, gospel music playing, TV turned on to CNN. MY PARENTS ARE VISITING IN AN HOUR AM SET!!

   The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren't me.

   When nudists put on a play, do they argue about who has the biggest part?

   Sign language: it's very handy.

   The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius. ;)

   With the price of printer ink so high, it would probably be more cost-effective to keep a giant aquarium full of squid and harvest my own.

   People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.

   Remember when the terrorist had the bomb in his shoe? That's the reason why we've gotta take our shoes off at airport security now. This most recent terrorist had the bomb in his underwear. Enjoy your flights - I'm going commando now...

   According to greek mythology, humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.

   Remember the 3 golden rules: 1. It was like that when I got here. 2. I didn't do it. 3. (To your Boss) I like your style.

   I can kiss better then I can cook

   "Duct tape" - finding a cure to noise pollution, one mouth at a time.

   Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle.

   Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date.

   Each day is like a gift. A gift from someone who doesn't know your size and doesn't bother to include the receipt.

   I am beginning to think that the key to happiness is to learn to like the things you hate.

   "If you work hard all of your dreams will come true." Impossible. My dream is to never work hard.

   You know when you are on Facebook too much when you get your paycheck after taxes then you put "dislike" on it.

   Due to flooding, my kid's school is closed. Pffft. In my day, we swam to school–uphill–both ways.

   What do you mean I can't order a Whopper with bacon in between 2 chicken patties wrapped in a burrito? I thought this was Have It Your Way?