Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   once again Tequila is the Delete History button of my brain

   I like my women like I like my turtles. Helpless when they're on their back.

   We all have a devil and an angel on our shoulders. Only problem is my devil has a gym membership!

   Experts say the snake that escaped from the Bronx Zoo may be seeking its natural habitat ..and is heading for Wall St.

   When I see a kid about 4 - 7 years old with a mullet I can almost guarantee you there is a meth lab at his house and I would just like to go smack his parents!!

   I get the feeling that Americans just think of us Canadians as "white Mexicans" sneaking across the border and stealing their hockey jobs.

   Never beg a person for something that someone else is willing to give you.

   COURAGE does not always roar,sometimes it is that quiet voice at the end of the day that says''I will try again tomorrow''.

   The only thing more awkward than buying condoms would be returning them.

   RIP to all the snowmen who died fighting the sun

   #1-900 I used to like to talk to you on late Friday nights when all my friends were out with their girls. Then you went and raise your rates!

   why, hello there gin and tonic....enjoy your stay, and as usual...please feel free to as many complementary brain cells you'd like........i believe you and liver have met............

   Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time Man of the Year. Ironically, Facebook has been named Time Waster of the Year.

   I haven't seen Democrats this pissed since they were forced to free their slaves.

   Not to be rude but how fast food workers feel that 15 dollars an hour is realistic when they can't even get my 1 dollar cheeseburger correct?!?

   Not a lot of people know this, but if you dress up like a pirate and go into Red Lobster, you eat for free.

   Let me be the first to say, I don't give a fly monkey kcuf the Kardashians are back. . .

   Which came first. . . social media or dumb people? AND which is worse. . . the overdoing of selfies OR not knowing how to use the English language?

   I've set my "life goals" to stuff I've already done so literally every day now I'm overachieving. It's all about perspective.

   Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.