Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   im a fan of the tube top, but even tires have pressure limits....

   Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.

   If anyone sees a bunch of people in their front yard tonight, don't be alarmed, were just christmas tree shopping.

   you have more problems than a math book.

   bad in all the good ways.

   I asked Mom if I was a gifted child… she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

   wondering if he's the only one who hears the theme to Get Smart when he walks down long hallways.

   That thing people do with their mouth when they're using their tongue to get food out of their teeth, I bet there's porn for that.

   feeling politely confrontational this evening. Would anyone care for a piece of me?

   still amazed that the technologically challenged are drawn like moths to a flame towards the Self-Check out Lanes at every large Grocery.

   The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

   You know what I like to do on Facebook? Answer my own questions.

   saw Inception earlier....now I am spinning things on my desk to see if maybe I am dreaming.

   It is often said cooking is an art. But I have very few meals that I would hang on my wall.

   Before a Break up, Always have a Back up !!

   Hey guy with the flat billed hat turned sideways and pants half off, I'm pretty sure the world will never take you seriously, ever! But, way to keep trying

   The unemployment numbers are twice as bad if you count people who describe themselves as "bloggers."

   thinks that it's people that give drinking a bad name.

   Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

   I will consider running a half-marathon the first time I see someone smiling while doing it.