Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

   You know what I like to do on Facebook? Answer my own questions.

   saw Inception earlier....now I am spinning things on my desk to see if maybe I am dreaming.

   It is often said cooking is an art. But I have very few meals that I would hang on my wall.

   Before a Break up, Always have a Back up !!

   Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

   I will consider running a half-marathon the first time I see someone smiling while doing it.

   An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

   has transferred organic stickers from the apples & put them on the Oreo packages in the grocery store to make them healthier. They're on me. Enjoy!

   had a dream that this woman was trying to kill me with a butcher knife...which makes me think the woman of my dreams is not someone I should be looking for.

   If I had a nickel for everytime someone asked if I was bad at math, I'd have 62 cents.

   shocked that Facebook is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people.

   im a fan of the tube top, but even tires have pressure limits....

   Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.

   If anyone sees a bunch of people in their front yard tonight, don't be alarmed, were just christmas tree shopping.

   you have more problems than a math book.

   bad in all the good ways.

   I asked Mom if I was a gifted child… she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

   wondering if he's the only one who hears the theme to Get Smart when he walks down long hallways.

   there will never be true equality until men have to wear jockey shorts with under-wires that lift and separate.