Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My neighbour talks to his dog like it's his child. I heard him while taking my cat's pyjamas off the clothes line.

   I call dibs on everything, ever. Sorry, it's out of my hands now. I'll be by to pick up all of your stuff later. Or MY stuff, rather.

   But enough about me, let's talk about you... What do you think of me?

   What do you call a group of chickens? A bucket

   I was going to go to the Occupy Wall Street movement but I was too busy working.

   Some people just need a sympathetic pat... on the head... with a hammer.

   Women that go to the supermarket in heels are shopping for more than groceries.

   Romancing myself today =) If I play my cards right, I might even get to sleep with myself. Chances are I wont call me back....

   BREAKING NEWS: Apple has announced that there will be no 2012, only 2011S.

   I was thinkin,,,The obituaries section in the newspaper would be more interesting if they told you how the person died.

   Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you!

   I'd punch Jay-z too. His face is stupid.

   This World Cup has turned out like World War 2! The French surrendered early, the USA arrive at the last minute and the English are left to fight the Germans

   Scientists say they have located the gene that causes obesity. His name is Gene Milman, the founder of Krispy Kreme.

   ┣▇f͟͞a͟͞c͟͞e͟͞b͟͞o͟͞o͟͞k͟͞▇▇═─ This drug is effective for cases of chronic boredom. Warning can be habit forming and lead to addiction!!!

   Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

   If you didn't talk to me in High School then don't request to be my friend on Facebook.

   hopes this Halloween, he doesn't end up with a bag full of restraining orders again.

   ( . )Y( . ) ........get your mind out the gutter ,its only homer simpsons eyes....

   I need a job! I can't eat Healthcare!!!