Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The dog keeps licking his butt and staring at me. I don't feel bad for him though. I tried to give him toilet paper and he ate it.

   If you accept a penny for your thoughts, not only are you a philosophical prostitute. You're not a very good one.

   I get really uncomfortable when people ask questions about sex. Like: "Is that it?"

   I have all the money I'll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.

   Just found a document that says all of our restrictions have been lifted! It’s pretty old though, it’s dated 1776.

   Maybe when the stuff was going down at the Capitol on Wednesday, the Government should have sent in Social Workers instead of the police.

   People are being paid to protest Trump's election .... Heck .... He's not even President yet and he's already creating Jobs!!!!

   How come Sanctuary cities have the fastest growing crime rates?

   All I am saying is if Donald Trump was really a friend of the Gay people, one of them would have fixed his wig and makeup by now.

   B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.

   The sex was great, but I faked the cuddle.

   Being offended is a personal decision that you can choose not to make. The ones who are offended by things are attention-seeking drama queens.

   I'm going on a vodka diet. Apparently you can lose 3 days in one week...

   They say alcohol kills people. Lets not forget how many people were born because of it.

   At some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life.

   You can keep retaking all the photos you want but that's just what your face really looks like

   Booze is cheaper than therapy, and it doesn't keep asking, “and how did that make you feel?”

   Let's get this out of the way now. Next Wednesday, the date will be 12-12-12. Happy? zzzzzzzzzzzzz

   What good is a safe word if your mouth is full?

   In Mother Russia, we don't shoot for the stars, the stars shoot for us