Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's amazing how everyone is suddenly a political genius one month every 4 years.

   If you can't say anything nice about someone, then say it very vaguely and put it as your Facebook status ツ

   Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free...

   It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them.

   If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn't make me excited, pull the plug.

   When is decency going to be cool again?

   Facts do something the media never does...tell the truth.

   I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I'm not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.

   I'm the black sheep of my family, or as I like to say, I'm not the boring one.

   My hair has the 'I just did it' look going on. My hair is a liar.

   Everyone I know is either pregnant or married and it makes me wish...I could find a decent drinking buddy to replace all you sellouts

   Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

   So the government gave the order for Verizon to hand over phone records so we can help them track (cough-cough) "terrorists".........yeah ok.

   I have this recurring dream where I'm locked up in a room with all the people I've ever offended in my entire life and they are all glaring at me and I think, Great! I get to make fun of all you losers at once.

   I'm not a porn star, but I'll give it a try.

   When I have a kid, I'm going to go to the mall, put him into a double stroller, and run around looking frantic.

   I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts...

   Sometimes I need to recheck my facebook account to remember what I did this past weekend. 

   Choose your Facebook profile pic carefully. It'll be the one they use when you go missing

   If you listen closely... you can hear the gas pump tell your kids' college fund to go f*ck itself.