Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1325 of 6446

If you can't figure out where you stand with someone, it might be time to stop standing and start walking.

It's amazing how everyone is suddenly a political genius one month every 4 years.
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10-21-2012 07:53 by Baddie
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If you can't say anything nice about someone, then say it very vaguely and put it as your Facebook status ツ

Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free...
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01-17-2013 11:07 by SEAN
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It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them.
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01-30-2013 19:24
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If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn't make me excited, pull the plug.
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07-21-2012 09:43
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When is decency going to be cool again?
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08-28-2012 10:32 by Czovczov
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Facts do something the media never does...tell the truth.
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07-14-2013 12:49 by liveeurt
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I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I'm not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
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07-23-2013 12:37 by Daheavy1
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I'm the black sheep of my family, or as I like to say, I'm not the boring one.
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08-09-2013 14:19 by Baddie
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My hair has the 'I just did it' look going on. My hair is a liar.
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10-25-2012 13:43
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Everyone I know is either pregnant or married and it makes me wish...I could find a decent drinking buddy to replace all you sellouts
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05-18-2013 06:10 by Raven
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Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
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05-23-2013 10:47 by Mickey
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So the government gave the order for Verizon to hand over phone records so we can help them track (cough-cough) "terrorists".........yeah ok.
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06-06-2013 17:06 by Danmanz
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I have this recurring dream where I'm locked up in a room with all the people I've ever offended in my entire life and they are all glaring at me and I think, Great! I get to make fun of all you losers at once.
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07-26-2011 16:31
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I'm not a porn star, but I'll give it a try.
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04-23-2011 13:12
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When I have a kid, I'm going to go to the mall, put him into a double stroller, and run around looking frantic.
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05-13-2011 18:47 by maria
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I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts...

Sometimes I need to recheck my facebook account to remember what I did this past weekend.
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05-30-2011 16:50 by ff1241
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Choose your Facebook profile pic carefully. It'll be the one they use when you go missing