Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing says Responsibility like a woman taking her birth control pill with a shot of Tequila.

   The day my kids will lose their innocence is when they figure out there is no such thing as a 3 piece chicken nugget happy meal

   I assume most animals are in the zoo for some pretty serious crimes.

   He stopped loving her today. RIP George Jones

   I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologise to the man at the next urinal.

   Did I un-jam the copier? Yes. Does that make me a hero? Not for me to say. But probably.

   Took my hubby to the ER last night with one of those four hour erections. All the doctor did was high five him!

   Funny Conundrum: Most single people wana be in a relationship, and most people in a relationship wana be single.

   I am actually quite pleasant until I'm awake.

   Just found out a human kidney is worth up to 100,000 dollars. On an unrelated side note, party with free alcohol at my house this weekend.

   I see you poked me. I assume you are DTF?

   You should not be angry if all she wants is your money because all you want is her body.

   Just remember, everything happens for a reason. So when I smack you upside the head, remember... I had a reason!"

   some say that Justin Bieber is the father of Rebecca Blacks baby....but its not true...There is no way 1 girl can impregnate another

   thinks that you are never too old to talk into a fan to hear your robot voice.

   congratulations on your 100th problem jay-z!

   People always look for that one flaw or mistake to bring you down and ignore all the good you have ever done.

   United 93: The first counteroffensive in the war on terror

   Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There is nothing like having a midget for a butler.

   Warning: Alcohol may make people appear more doable than they actually are.