Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rosie O'Donnell just won the Green Award for Conservation. It only takes two tablespoons of water to fill her bathtub.

   Respect your elders. They made it through High School without Google or Wikipedia.

   If a man says you're ugly he's being mean. If a woman says you're ugly she's envious. If a little kid says you're ugly, you're ugly.

   If I was in that Malaysian airplane my wife would find it in 10 minutes..

   How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?

   TO DO LIST: 1:Buy a flat screen TV. 2:Hang it on the wall. 3:Watch 'The Ring' & see that b!tch fall when she crawls out from my TV.

   Three words that can really really  crush a mans pride. "Is it in"?

   SWAG is for BOYS and CLASS is for MEN.

   Just saw an article on yahoo that said "Little unknown facts about the Royal Wedding". I have a little unknown fact for you yahoo, no one gives a shit about the Royal Wedding.

   1300 should actually be like 1250 since about 50 of these pages are nothing but reposts.

   R.I.P Ryan Dunn you will forever be remembered, as the guy who stuck a hot wheels up his ass on jackass

   I ate so much candy corn yesterday, I just pooped a candle

   Apparently,,, Someone's been putting Rogaine on my Q-Tips and toilet paper.

   Having your cell phone clipped to your belt is helpful for letting everyone know that you won't be getting laid tonight.

   First woman on the Moon: "Houston, we have a problem." "What?" "Never mind" "What's the problem?" "Nothing" "Please tell us?" "You KNOW what the problem is."

   I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me 'Will you be putting it up yourself?' I told him, 'No, you sicko, it's going in the living room!'

   I think my yogurt went bad. I just saw it in the parking lot leaning against a Camaro & smoking a cigarette.

   Subway lawsuit defense ... maybe the sub was cold.

   My neighbor knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, "Yo, I can't fcking sleep." "Well it's your lucky day," I said, "I've got a party going on in here, come in."

   n't it about time The Kardashian's have an STD Named after them ?