Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

   the difference between an in-law and an out-law is that outlaws are wanted....

   Then the psychiatrist's gave me the good news: I was going to have a disorder named after me..

   i enjoy long romantic walks to the Refrigerator

   hah... you're going out with my ex? Cool, want my leftover sandwich, too?

   Just once somebody needs to roundhouse kick the person who does the 1$ bigger bid on The Price Is Right!

   There is now an Anthony Weiner action figure. I wonder if has the Kung-fu grip?

   Dear Internet Users, Someday you will regret not reading me. Sincerely, Terms & Conditions.

   Everything is always funnier when you aren't allowed to laugh.

   President's Day was in February you jack@$$...

   Everything is falling apart according to plan..

   A good way to keep a secret from me is to leave it on my voicemail

   The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober

   According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was

   My wife and I have two very different ideas of what 'Sunrise Service' means.

   Another fine day ruined by responsibility.

   Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

   News: "3 Cliff Walkers Fall to Their Death" Wow, what were the chances of them all having the same name?

   Dear Life...Would you at least start using lubricant in 2015.

   My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure