Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Listen. You can keep retaking all the pictures you want, but that's what your face looks like.

   Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem

   Happy run out and spend money you don't have on things you wouldn't otherwise buy to prove you love someone who if they need things bought for them to prove you love them probably shows they don't truly love you anyway day!

   If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

   The only time of the year where it's ok to take candy from a stranger or a baby

   A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

   Decisions are made when I'm tired of thinking.

   It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.

   You can make the same drive 100's of times but a good dense fog makes it feel like a totally new experience.

   a little less conversation, a little more action please!!

   trying to give me the finger is like giving a spider the web. I'm just gonna spin it and use it to my advantage =)

   Men: You can't live with them, but you can't have heterosexual sex without them. DAMN!!

   What? That's not what "do the robot" means? It's a dance? Oh god. I am SO sorry about your robot.

   The Old Lie: "The check is in the mail." The New Lie: "I haven't checked my email."

   Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

   just admitted himself into the hokey pokey institute...I figure it a way to turn my life around.

   Thinks that if I was a zookeeper, I wouldn't even bother putting anything in the chameleon exhibit.

   thinks that if at first you don't succeed, you should pray that your future Honor Roll student takes care of you.

   I remember as a kid we had to buy Tiger Beat and mail in a request along with $2 to join the Valerie Bertinelli fan club. Now my kids just do a name search on fb and click "like".

   With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.