Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes...

   When my wife is sleeping I open her handbag, take out my balls, pat them & whisper "I know guys I miss you too" then put them back quietly.

   ✔ Saddam Hussein ✔ Osama Bin Ladden ✔ Moammar Gadhafi ✔Kim Jong IL ❒ Fidel Castro ❒ Hugo Chavez - Not a good year for my Fantasy Dictator League...

   Spongebob is Definetly Asian! he's Yellow! he knows Karate and he cant drive.

   Today, my mother commented "loser" on my Facebook profile picture. She got 41 likes.

   Sometimes, we waste too much time to think about someone who doesn't even think about us for a second.

   Twilight did to vampires what Brokeback Mountain did to cowboys.

   I tripped over a bra last night, do you think it was a boobie trap?

   I can't stand people who blame everyone else for their problems. I'd be successful and happy by now if it wasn't for them.

   I really hate it when someone calls my PHONE and says who is this, this is my phone, who are you?

   went to a shrink today. she says I have a split personality. Charged me 84.00. I paid her 42.00 and told her to get the rest from the other b*tch!

   On a scale of 1 to Rihanna, how big is your forehead?

   To the gal who posted that guys are "creepy" on facebook, dont flatter yourself. You're not all that.

   I went fishing for bottom feeders yesterday, and caught a R0unders!

   What gets longer when pulled, fits between a women's boobs, inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked hard?...A SEAT BELT

   Ever heard yourself sing in the shower and wondered why the f$#! you havent released an album yet??..

   It's funny how people start paying attention to you when start giving them the silence treatment.

   Manning Brady Manning Brady Manning Brady Manning Brady Manning Brady Manning Brady There, now you don't need to watch ESPN this week.

   When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot”

   No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,, it’s 9.