Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This just enforces the belief that people with mullets should not be raising children.

   My boss wants me to keep my headphones volume low enough to hear my work phone ring AND stay awake at my desk like some kind of wizard.

   If "Bieber fever" is when a Justin Bieber song comes on the radio and you start throwing up and stabbing yourself in he ear, then yes I have had Bieber fever before.

   Imagine if you found a dresser made by Jesus during his "carpenter" days. The guys on Antique Roadshow would lose their minds.

   I often ask myself "What's wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can't drink at work"

   You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”

   $19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

   Sometime's I put lipstick on my own collar Just so I can get the silent treatment

   I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.

   What's so cool about taking a picture of a bathroom mirror?

   After spending 45 minutes eavesdropping on a crazy girl giving advice to another crazy girl, I really don't know how we're not extinct yet.

   You know what's worse than your tribal tattoo? The story about why you got it.

   I wish I had Kim Kardashian's talent of not having any talent and making money out of it.

   this isn't a bakery, I don't sugar coat anything!

   Russell Wilson became the first QB in history to throw a game-winning interception."

   You know what's cheaper than reading a book on a Kindle?......Reading a book.

   47 min: My monthly record for using my phone as a phone

   Don't get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

   .Caitlin Jenner just signed a deal with Marvel. She is going to be in the new Ex-Men film.

   It's truly astonishing that a little guy hiding in an Ecuadorean Embassy is doing a heck of a lot more for TRUTH in this Election .... Than the Entire American Press!!!