Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If "Bieber fever" is when a Justin Bieber song comes on the radio and you start throwing up and stabbing yourself in he ear, then yes I have had Bieber fever before.

   Imagine if you found a dresser made by Jesus during his "carpenter" days. The guys on Antique Roadshow would lose their minds.

   I often ask myself "What's wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can't drink at work"

   You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”

   $19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

   Sometime's I put lipstick on my own collar Just so I can get the silent treatment

   I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.

   What's so cool about taking a picture of a bathroom mirror?

   Don't get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

   I'm glad I've got boobs. The last thing I want is people making eye contact with me.

   True love cannot be found until you can find a mutual comfort level in the thermostat of your home.

   You know what's worse than your tribal tattoo? The story about why you got it.

   I wish I had Kim Kardashian's talent of not having any talent and making money out of it.

   this isn't a bakery, I don't sugar coat anything!

   Russell Wilson became the first QB in history to throw a game-winning interception."

   You know what's cheaper than reading a book on a Kindle?......Reading a book.

   47 min: My monthly record for using my phone as a phone

   After spending 45 minutes eavesdropping on a crazy girl giving advice to another crazy girl, I really don't know how we're not extinct yet.

   .Caitlin Jenner just signed a deal with Marvel. She is going to be in the new Ex-Men film.

   It's truly astonishing that a little guy hiding in an Ecuadorean Embassy is doing a heck of a lot more for TRUTH in this Election .... Than the Entire American Press!!!