Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I do not have a drinking problem... people without arms have a drinking problem.

   Everyones like "George Zimmerman this, no justice that" I'm just over here like, "I'm gonna eat a popsicle."

   Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.

   When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life.

   Show me on this Elmo doll where the bad man touched you...

   I hate when I'm singing a song and a co-worker thinks they can join in and sing with me. D!ckhead, this is not Glee!

   I think I owe my vibrator a Valentines Day card.

   Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni... That folks, is what drugs do to you.

   I know a lot of midget jokes but I am afraid they will come back to bite me in the ass.

   I took a sh!t this morning. TMI? Yeah well I don't want to read about how in love you are with your boyfriend of the week either.

   They say that if a guy has big feet it means that he has a big pen!s. That just makes the thought of being raped by clowns even scarier.

   Never judge a man 'till you've driven a mile with his wife.

   The line was a little long at my pharmacy so I grabbed my cell phone and pretended to call someone. The line emptied quickly when I described my contagious rash and the fact that no doctor had found a medicine that would cure it yet. Good times.

   Criminal Tip: Buy a gun from a guy off the streets. As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back........Free gun.

   I made this status nice and short so you can just move onto the next one.

   Enjoy it folks. This is the only day of the year when you can say "Black" all day long and not be called a racist.

   [During Interview] "Do you have any questions?" - Yeah, in The Titanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?

   If you believe you can tell me what to think, I believe I can tell you where to go.

   Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts! :(

   Thou Shalt Not Contact People From Your Distant Past While Intoxicated