Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1078 of 6445

Wife: I wish I was newspaper, so I'd be in your hands all day. Husband:I too wish that you were newspaper, so I could have a new one everyday.
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08-14-2010 15:13
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Why limit happy to just an hour?
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01-27-2012 16:57
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Happy Mushy-Card-Nasty-Candy-in-a-Heart-Shaped-Box-Big-Balloon-That-Barely-Fits-in-Your-Car-And-You-Can't-See-to-Back-Up-$75-Rose s-That-Can-be-Bought-Tomorrow-for-$20-but-Must-be-Sent-to-"Prove"-Your-Love-Stand-In-Line-for-Two-Hours-to-Eat Day!! <HATE
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02-14-2012 07:04 by Reznor
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If we all band together and don't show up for work tomorrow, we could put an end to this 'wake up on Monday' nonsense once and for all. Spread the word.

If you're flirting with a women and she asks "Are you coming onto me?" whisper in her ear "I never pull out."
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12-30-2011 14:11
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It's so rude when people talk at the movies while you're on the phone!
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01-09-2012 15:41 by SEAN
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People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with “lol” should be damn shot.
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04-16-2012 21:34 by BEGO
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I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time
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04-23-2012 17:58 by Daheavy1
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Don't you think it's time we start referring to flat screen TVs, simply as TVs?

"Women are such mysterious creatures. Beautiful unsolvable mysteries. Like them big alien crop circles........... but with nipples"
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09-15-2011 23:13
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I call one of my coworkers "Adobe Updater" because she tries to be helpful, but she's really just annoying.

If you're a thug driving a luxury SUV fully customized, don't be surprised when I question the legitimacy of your income.

The Mayan Calendar says the world will end on Dec 21, 2012, which really means a lot of babies will be born on Sept 21, 2013.
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09-07-2011 05:43 by flinnie
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If someone doesn't ask me, "What in the hell is wrong with you?" at least once a day, I feel like a failure.

saw a guy give a homeless man a coffee....Great! Now he is alert and fully aware of his surroundings...the street, the alley, his shopping cart...
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02-02-2011 10:05 by M.A.C.
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no wonder gangsters pants hang so low there so full of sh*t
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02-03-2011 00:24
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BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby
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02-10-2011 11:27 by SEAN
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Scr*w you recommended serving size. You don't know me
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02-25-2011 16:32
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Last week, a lady in China had a baby with three arms. They're always one step ahead of us aren't they? He's probably making shoes and toys right now as I type this.
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06-08-2011 12:18
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I just saw a dude put sunscreen on his back by squirting it on a wall and backing into it.