Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like how on cop cars, "To protect and serve" is in quotes, like they're being sarcastic.

   Our business says Merry Christmas!

   How come when my kid wants to show me something, she has to place it directly inside my cornea?

   One Day I hope I can afford an iphone like that girl in line infront of me with the food stamps!!!

   I'm living proof that you should never give up hope. You may find this hard to believe, given my current level of sheer awesomeness, but I was once a pathetic loser like you. Be strong.

   Here's hoping Justin Beiber's balls drop along with the New Year's one.

   Life's a b!tch, because if it were a slut, it'd be easy.

   "mmhmm" is equal to "yea yea I still dnt believe ur ass" .......

   you know its sad when your mother is on facebook and guys younger than you are poking her.

   For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

   My d*ck was in the Guinness Book of World Records but then the librarian told me to take it out

   A slut is simply a woman with the morals of a man.

   Take photos of friends with their face squished against glass. Assign to your phone contacts, it'll look like they're trapped inside your phone.

   out dealin w/ things way beyond his maturity level...

   To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.

   URGENT! FACEBOOK VIRUS ALERT! An email recently went out to women asking them to post the color of their bra. THIS IS A VIRUS. To fix it, you must remove your bra, then go to Setting>Enable Webcam> Record Movie. Please repost it to your status!!!

   "used to care, but now I take a pill for that!! "

   May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of any person who ruins my day and may their arms be too short to scratch

   some old man is claiming Oprah is his daughter.... I think she should atleast interview him on her show. Not because he's her alleged father but because he's a black man admitting he's the baby daddy!

   I never comment on a joint FB account post because I never know who said it, the wife or the p ussy.