Zep Funny Status Messages

   if anyone catches me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them until it is equally awkward for both of us.

   Did you know? Its impossible to say “Good Eye Might” without sounding Australian? LIKE if you tried.

   This milk is so far past it's expiration date I'm only gonna have a small slice.

   A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

   Take photos of friends with their face squished against glass. Assign to your phone contacts, it'll look like they're trapped inside your phone.

   everyone has pretended to die infront their pets to see if they would do anything.

   Know what more people in this world need?????? Exit wounds.

   how do beautiful people travel? Because they certainly don't appear to be using airports.

   that mini heart attack when you think you've lost something.

   If your plan A doesn't work, don't sweat it. The alphabet has 25 more letters.

   Funny how they call it common sense when it seems so rare.