Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   typing in sick so she will not have a status today

   Fake people are just as bad as fake breasts.....Only reason they exist is to make one feel better about themselves

   wonders what Pat Robertson will blame the Chile earthquake on.

   I feel like the little kid before Christmas... cant wait to get up and see what St. Patty has for me under the keg !

   Must have finally caught "Beiber Fever", Every time I hear about this prick, I wanna puke...

   Snap! Crackle! F*ck!? Did I just put something metal in the microwave?

   thinks that nutritional information should simply tell you the amount of exercise required to burn off whatever it is you're about to consume.

   not stalking you. By the way, you are out of sugar.

   The first thing I do on a computer that doesn't belong to me is go on Craigslist and see if the Casual Encounters link is purple or blue.

   Why don't autobiographies ever end with the person writing a book?

   There is no end to the lengths that Brett Favre will stoop to protect that streak of his. He must have been up all night cutting away on the roof of the Metrodome.

   Updating my resume... What's a fancy way to say, "I haven't done anything for the past 6 months?"

   Life should come with more opportunities to shove peoples faces in cake

   Why are all the birds dyin? seahawks, falcons, ravens, eagles

   there a pack of wild dogs attacking my child, or are there peas touching his mashed potatoes? I can't tell.

   Time to train for my favorite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation....

   The guy I’ve been paying to pick up sh*t in my backyard just realized that I don’t own a dog .

   The older I get the more freaky and weird the sex has to be for me to get off. Someday you're gonna have to smack my clit with a shovel.

   Finds most Christians treat their bible like computer software. They just scroll down the terms and conditions without reading it and click 'I agree.'

   you know you're getting OLD when your BRAND NEW car you drove in high school now qualifies for an ANTIQUE car tag.