Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I still think I'm in my 20s sometimes...until I try to do something like I'm in my 20s.

   I was sober for 11 straight years. Then I turned 12.

   If you tell me you're going to bed and I see you sign into Facebook 10 minutes later... I totally understand.

   at this point in our culture I'm very surprised there aren't people with nut allergies boycotting the peanuts movie

   Failed my Politics exam. The question was "Describe the role that India plays in the modern world." Apparently "Tech Support" is not the correct answer.

   ☆:*´¨`*twinkle twinkle little star...point me to the nearest bar ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶*´¨`*:.☆

   Dear slut, Has your right leg ever met your left leg?

   People - the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.

   Marriage counseling... because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she's being a bîtch.

   Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things of high shelves.

   When a cop asks you, "Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"

   They want us to think they're backpack leaf blowers but they're actually jetpacks... and THAT'S how they're getting across the border! 

   How about lets move on from the Zimmerman case already?

   "My Uncle Jennifer is going to be on Jerry Springer tomorrow!"

   I saw a poor old lady slip on the ice this morning and knock herself out......I assume she was poor cause she only had 48 cents in her purse!

   If you're not drinking falcon blood out of a boar's skull, .....we don't want to see your tribal tattoo.

   girlfriends always want to have long talks. I say fine, lets talk.."I hate your friends, you're always hurt, and I'm always tired of paying for meals you only eat a third of...we done?"

   you've just received an Amish Virus. Since we don't have electricity or computers, you're on the honor system. Please delete your files. Thank thee

   I would like to wish all the moms out there a Happy Labor Day Weekend!!! What?... That's not what that means?

   I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help. .... So I hired a hitman