Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook went down on millions of users and all I can say is, You Whore!

   Well another gold for Canada in hockey. Gotta love it! You americans played a good game but this was our night. But you americans don't need to feel bad, one of your teams will probily be bringing home the Stanley Cup, so it kinda evens out.

   -- If pubs don't serve really drunk people why do Mcdonalds serve really fat people?

   believes in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it

   The sexual position, more commonly known as 69 will now be known as 96. Due to the economy, it now costs more to eat out than it use to.

   Might get my balls botoxed today.

   When I was a little girl, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. When she was in a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.

   A lonely man put an ad in the paper saying "wife wanted" The next day, he checked he had 40 messages, all of them saying "You can have mine!"

   On the bus today I was sitting across from a really beautiful girl and I kept thinking to myself, "..please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection" ......................... but she did

   If you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you, it has really low self esteem and you should exploit that for sexual favor.

   My son told me all females have nice butts in yoga pants, so I took him to Walmart so he could see the error of his thoughts

   I wear a lot of axe. But I live in a primarily black neighborhood so around here it's called Ask.

   i'm such a fabulous cook, even the smoke alarm is cheering me on!

   ..i had lunch with a chess player today. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

   No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her $hit.

   Celine Dion walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "why the long face?"

   Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.

   Stop telling me how to do my job! I don't go down to your work and knock the d!ck out your mouth, do I?

   I'd like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I'll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don't (you know why).

   You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let's do it!!