Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't think of it as a mess... I just think it's nice having everything I own in plain sight and within easy reach at all times!

   Why dont you slip into something more comfortable... Like a coma!

   If only you people got as passionate about other attrocities like rape, famine and corruption in world leaders as you do about one person's death. #First-worldPriorities

   Christmas Gift idea: Take her to the Planetarium so she can see the world doesn't revolve around her.

   The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.

   NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay. Williams said he's not worried because soon his veterans benefits will kick in.

   WIFE: "Hey hon, you think you can pick the kids of from school?" ME: *takes a sip from 'Worlds Greatest Dad' coffee mug'* "Sure... what school do they go to?"

   Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?

   ‎Primeday‬ is just like the clearance aisle at Walmart... The deals suck and you can shop in your pajamas...

   Someone needs to invent a filter that blocks ALL content if it contains certain words: my three words would be: Kardashian, candidate, Bieber.

   Don't be upset that you're single; be happy that someone isn't ruining your life.

   Let's be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.

   As the proud parents of a high school senior, my wife and I want our son to be successful and have all the things we couldn't ever afford. Then we want to move in with him.

   I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that's not just the booze talking either".

   Rock bottom hangover: I ordered pizza just to get soda delivered

   This hahaha guy just ignore him and dont rate his post he will be b gone. Trust me

   Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

   Should you even have to say the words "don't touch the dog's butthole" to your child?

   took my dog to sign up for Welfare. The clerk said dogs are not eligible. I said why not?!? He's unemployed, lazy, can't speak English, and dosen't know who his dad is!

   You see stretch marks........ I see tiger stripes