Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   excuse me......Is that a spray on tan or did you roll in a bag of doritos???????????????????

   Does anyone know a good Russian accountant? I need their help on tax evasion.

   Kinda pissed that OJ is living a better life than me right now.

   Man Came home,saw his wife with his friend in Bed,he shoots his friend, Wife Says, "If you behave like this ,you will lose all your friends."

   Did you hear about the cereal Bill Belicheat and "Shady" Brady eat before games? Cheaties!....The breakfast of champions.

   Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

   You had me at hello. You lost me at your wearing a mask in your car pulling into my driveway.

   I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

   I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

   Well, Groundhog Day has been a bust. As Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his burrow, he was immediately detained and subjected to extreme vetting to determine whether he holds anti-American views. The ACLU is protesting and demanding his release.

   Monster Nursery Rhymes: Humpty Dumpty fell off of Trump's wall and had no health insurance.

   "You want the truth? You can't handle the truth" - Trump self pep talk in the mirror every morning.

   We don't want affordable health care! We demand tax cuts for billionaires!

   Hey Hillary supporters, Your here illeagly so you wont be getting a chance to vote.

   Don't forget to use bleach when washing your basket of deplorables. It makes them whiter.

   Interesting. Donald Trump Jr. said his dad releasing tax returns would lead to too many questions. Questions like, "Why have you never, ever paid taxes?"

   . The Afghanistan address trump gave monday was very similar to one that Obama gave. Trump needs to get a new speech writer.

   If April showers bring Mayflowers, what do Mayflowers bring? Genocide.

   How do you know when you're with a gentleman? At the end of the date he asks, "May I inquire as to the possibilities which center around my being able to accompany you into your humble abode, whereby you gratuitously allow me to stick it in

   just got a citation for illegally parking my pen*s in a friend zone