Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women who carry a little extra weight live long than the men who mention it

   Johnny Football requests as much publicity as possible during his rehab.

   I bought an at home do it yourself a$$hole bleeching kit today...it said it contained enough solution to completely bleech one a$$hole...i thought I did it wrong,i was a little upset but i'm all white now

   "So You Thought You Could Watch This Show About Dancing"

   Happy first day of fall! ¡ƃuıɹds ɟo ʎɐp ʇsɹıɟ ʎddɐH

   I hate it when I wake up next to someone and can't remember who they are, where I met them or how they died.

   National No Bra Day was off the hook.

   HER: "You've changed." ME: "Yes. I can't help it, I'm a transformer!"

   Open Google Maps (Get Directions) 2: Type China as your starting point 3: Type Taiwan as your destination. 4: Read step 48

   ...yikes! saw a bunch of vegetarian zombies at the store today. all they could say was "GRRRAAAIIIIIINNNSSS"

   Statistics show that plus size women are worth $10 billion to the fashion industry...ha ha that's nothing compared to what they're worth to the food industry!

   starting to miss 80s and 90s music. Lil Wayne? Soulja Boy? Miley Cirus? Jonas Brothers?

   Shot my first Turkey today! Scared the sh*t out of everyone in the frozen food section.....It was awesome

   RIP Andrew Breitbart..... Ccaine overdose or heart attack hours before releasing Obama college partying video tapes.....yea right! BS

   I heard Trump is backing out of the debate Tuesday night. It was just too taxing for him.

   On Fathers day, we thank our dads for our moms. On Mothers day, we thank our mama for not swallowing us.

   Everyone wants to be Black but no one wants Black problems.

   What are those small bumps around a woman's nipples? They are Braille for "s*ck here."

   Physician -One upon whom we set our hopes when I'll and our dogs when well.

   Hey, you don't have to file your tax returns if you think the President's an a$$hole, right? Asking for a friend.