Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook is like the fridge...you go and open the fridge for something to eat, nothing looks good. Then five minutes later go back hoping somethings changed...

   Rihanna's IQ is 117. Can you beat that? Chris Brown can!

   My wife's leaving me because of my obsession with Africa. Kenya believe that? Ghana be a messy divorce.

   Bon Jovi, everyone! ~ me on my first day in French class.

   Somewhere in the world a stripper is having a mental breakdown on the pole...... HAPPY FATHERS DAY!

   BEST GAMER PICK UP LINE: You turn my software into hardware.

   When my doctor is checking my balls for a physical I run my fingers through her hair. Makes it less embarrassing...

   i don't know much about politics...but what's with this ohio cactus thing?

   I don't understand why people don't see the beauty in asthma attacks, Personally, I find them breathtaking.

   i wish my grades smoked weed, so they would get higher

   I love to use the holidays as an excuse to gift, re-gift and de-gift meaningless merchandise.....I wonder if that would qualify me as an "Indian Gifter"? ツ

   I bought myself a shiny new toy that goes from zero to 215 in just three seconds......L.E.D bathroom scales! ツ

   No, Occifer - I don't know how fast I was going (hiccup), but you caught me so obviously I was not going fast enough!

   Whoever said “nothing is impossible” has obviously never seen me doing nothing.

   going to take a HOT shower.. it's like a normal shower..only with me in it.

   Tomorrow is 11/11/11. This day only comes once every 100 years so go out there and do something crazy and make it memorable.

   The Mail In vote, the senate convicted Trump 7360 to 5.

   Irony is their king is the biggest snowflake of all!

   I had to tell my kids Stormy Daniels was a scientist because our country is ridiculous.

   Melania Trump suing a newspaper and a blogger for $150 million over allegations she was a hooker means her pimp would get 90% of that money.